Private message to Rory

[alt_rabastan]

I don't suppose you could spare an hour or two tonight? It doesn't matter the hour.

Had myself a lot of tossing and turning last night. Even opened the firewhisky, but that didn't seem to help. Harry asked me a question but I'm not sure the answer I gave was the right one. Not a "what's the best strategy for defending yourself against a dragon?" type of question, either. Or even a "what do these wet sheets in the morning mean?" question. A real question.

Being a role-model and shaping the minds of future generations is harder than it looks. And my supposedly "well-honed" instincts are shoddier than I thought (a good deal shoddier than anyone suspects, that much is for certain). When I volunteered for head of Harry's personal security, I reckoned it would be a fairly straight-forward task- keep the kid clear of anyone or thing that might hurt him, and that's that. Cos anyone who'd try to hurt a kid, no matter their cause, would have it coming, yeah. But he's being hurt now, even if it's not in a life-threatening way, and the one doing the hurting isn't a person but a complex web of different elements that I suspect also includes me.

Not sure there's anything I can do about it, though.

Comments

[alt_sinistra]

For you? I'll always find the time. Better than that, Tuesday's my light day: I've the 4th years at midnight, but nothing between now and setting up for them. Name your time and place.

On your problem: I've gotten my share of questions - from the YPL counsellors, from the newts, and it's their questions that keep me up. Though answering Harry is .. all kinds of extra-complicated, isn't it?

I think you're right that hurt comes in lots of forms. And isn't that part of growing up, and learning to make our own choices? I think there's times it's easier - a child following in their parent's footsteps, or those of an older sibling. But I wasn't like that, and I don't think that Harry is, either - except that he's going to have responsibilities and expectations, like it or not, where I got to make my own road.

What I appreciated was having one of my teachers be honest with me, and tell me what skills would make my life easier later, and why. Took him a long time, mind you - years - and I'm sure he despaired of me many times. In the end, though, it worked, and I've been grateful ever since. I've tried to do the same, since, when students ask, but it's so hard to tell what helps and what just makes things worse.

You want to do right by Harry. And you see things from lots of angles. And you're here and willing to talk. That's a huge help right there, if you let him set the pace.

The only other thought I have is ... is there someone you could talk to whose children are a bit older? Ari Baddock, maybe? Not about specifics, but about how to navigate deep waters?

[alt_rabastan]

He has more responsibilities and expectations than he knows what to do with, and all he really wants is to make his own road, as you say.

Now, I had expectations, too. And even though I tried to take my own road it didn't work out that way.

I think what he wants is for me to tell him there's a way for him to take his own road. But I can't see that ever happening.

So the most honest advice I could give him was to tell him that if he can get others to have confidence in him, in his readiness to do the "right thing," then he might be able to find a little wiggle room in the face of those expectations.

Speaking of myself there, of course. Though I didn't tell him that it required almost getting killed a few times, so I guess it might have been one of those lies of omission. Not that honest, after all.

Eh, I'd rather not ask anyone for advice on this one. They'll know I'm talking about Harry, and they'll immediately start politicking in light of who his father is and what impression they're trying to make there.

Plus, I don't think there are many parents out there who have children who are expected to practise and master the cruciatius curse on their mudblood servant while at the same time preparing for Task 2 of the tri-wizard tournament.

[alt_sinistra]

I... That bad? How - horrible's not the right word, not strong enough. Your last paragraph, I mean. And you're right that people would guess who you're asking about, of course.

On your advice - honestly, I think it's a good start. You can expand, and talk about the risks and the costs over time. Do you know if he's staying over the holidays or not? Might give you lots more time for conversation.

It may also be that it needs some sort of trigger for him to see the benefits of creating the space so he has the wiggle room.

Maybe this weekend was that for him - for me, it was getting a crowd of social issues, all at once, that made me sit up and figure out how to manage social niceties better. (Before that, I was pretty much always up the astronomy tower when I didn't have to be somewhere else.)

Whatever I can do to help, let me know, even if it's just an ear who won't judge. Don't envy you one bit, but, y'know, I'm glad he has you. You care about doing it right.

[alt_rabastan]

I'm not certain, but to wager a guess I'd say he's staying in the castle over the hols, yeah.

You know, when we were kids Evan and I used to try to cruciate each other. It was still forbidden back then, so it was a bit of a thrill to be breaking the rules and all. That and we reckoned it made us stronger, ha. What idiots- we weren't doing it right at all, of course. Anyway, I don't think I'll be telling him that bit of background.

Well, I've been a fourteen year old boy, and at that age you just want to get what you want, and you mope if you don't get it, and weighing risks and costs and being logical is sort of the furthest thing from your mind.

Anyway, I'm not expecting you to sort this out for me. I wouldn't mind your company tonight, though. Would after supper work?

[alt_sinistra]

Ah, see. And I only learned - well, the beginning of the YPL. With one of the more foreboding Aurors I've met. They talked about teaching it my last year here, but nothing came of it, at least in regular classes.

And yes. I don't think fourteen year old girls are that different, either. I wasn't good at the longterm until quite a bit later.

As to tonight, after supper would be lovely. Your place? Mine? There'll likely be students up the tower catching up on assignments a bit.

[alt_rabastan]

Have I put you off? Because there's wor Anyway, it's not something I really ever got a thrill out of using once I'd had proper training, but as Harry is now learning, sometimes it's expected of you.

My place is good, if it's good with you. Don't think there'll be too many students about at that time of evening. 8 or 9 o'clock, say?

[alt_sinistra]

Love - I know you've done things you regret. If you still thought that it was a lovely thing to be doing for larks, that would put me off.

But you clearly don't. And haven't for a bit. Or you wouldn't have talked about it above like you did, or had other conversations we've had. Like I said after that first night together: I'm more interested in what you do now than what you did then.

(And there's a bit of me that knows I had a sheltered life, and ... maybe I just missed things that are far more common now? I don't know. It's so hard to tell.)

Your place, 8, then. I look forward to it. (Always do.)

[alt_rabastan]

It's all quite common amongst the people that matter. Or are collectively thought to matter- which is the same thing, really. The only reason I know any different is because I actually have a far wider social circle than any of them, consisting of former (and current) quidditch players, fry-cooks, cauldron-makers, wand-polishers (not actually a euphemism, in this case), and, lest we forget, one completely gorgeous astronomy professor.

See you at 8.

[alt_sinistra]

Burying this in an older reply because.. well, you’ll see.

You seen this week’s Dish! yet? I didn’t get a chance till late last night.

There’s a story about us, from an unnamed author who obviously overheard us, that few minutes we had in the hall a week last Tuesday, when the press was here for the champion interviews. Except, I could have sworn there wasn’t anyone around just then.

Thank Merlin, it wasn’t too revealing, but bad enough. Certainly explains the looks and giggles I’ve been hearing around the edges for the past two days, though no one’s said anything directly. At least yet.

Blast.

I’ve been nose deep in work and I’ve got a complicated set of class preps today. I don’t expect to be down for either lunch or dinner, but it’s not you, promise.

It’s everyone else.

[alt_rabastan]

Yeah, I've seen it. I was hoping you wouldn't have done until tomorrow, when we'd have a chance to talk about it in person.

This isn't near as bad as what I've seen (pains me to say), and as much as it sounds condemning and accurate to us, remember that for all anyone else knows, this "anonymous" reporter is just making up what they saw.

We'll sort it out. See you tomorrow, yeah?

[alt_sinistra]

Tomorrow, yes.

And you're right, that it could be much worse, and there are plenty of people who know how gossip rags work, and how little to trust them.

I think not noticing for nearly two days (because, of all things, I was busy working) is almost worse than having spotted it immediately. Knowing people were talking about it, from the snippets I overheard and didn't make much of at the time.

No one's asked direct, at least yet, though. And I have practiced "We're good friends." in the mirror more times than I care to think of, so it sounds natural.